Saturday, October 29, 2011

Into Thy Hands...

I think I knew that something was awry.  I haven't "felt" pregnant for a while.  If what I felt in the early weeks of my other pregnancies was anticipation and joy, then is this not feeling...dread? Emptiness?  And then when my body began to show the signs of what my heart already knew, there was no single event -- an infamous day from which I can move forward.  There was a twinge. A sensation. And then days upon days in which every time I move, my body reminds me of the child I will never hold.  There are familiar pains, but they have been soothed before by an infant nuzzled to my breast.  With passing hours, my eyes see evidence not of a child brought to birth, but of what remains of the child I will never hold, slipping away, lifeless.  How cruel, it seems, that they should look so much the same.

Truth remains, regardless of time or circumstance.  And this is truth:  Life is never an accident.  No matter how brief, no matter if it is lived in full view or passes unseen by any eye of this world, it remains a testimony of love and of divine life.  No life is without purpose. No human circumstance is beyond redemptive grace.  No suffering is without value when surrendered to suffering hands.

I murmur these to myself, gritting my teeth as the piercing pain in my body rises to keep pace with the one in my soul, aching for the child I will never hold.

Let reason speak truth to silence the senseless ravings of grief.  Let faith bind me fast to firm truth, lest I be engulfed by the sweeping tide of loss.  Let wisdom bring vision to clear my eyes of minute, agonizing detail and soften it to a single remembered moment of my time on this earth, when a child I will never hold burst into life from love, and was caught away into eternity, held here always, if only in memory, by the love that gave him life.

4 comments:

Fr Martin Fox said...

Deb:

Your words are beautiful, thank you.

You and John are wonderful parents, your boys are so blessed to have you both.

And if I may add: you will see all your children in heaven.

Krista said...

I am so sorry for your loss! I am all too wee acquainted with the devastation and loss you are feeling. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am never more than a phone call away.

grandma gail said...

MY DEAR ADOPTED DAUGHTER

I WANT TO WRAP MY ARMS AROUND YOU LIKE I DO WITH MY BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN. I WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR PAIN.

I KNOW OUR LORD KNOWS THE LOSE YOU FEEL AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH THAT YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL FAMILY NEED AT THIS TIME.

I AM HERE IF YOU WANT TO SHARE BUT I WILL GIVE YOU THE TIME THAT YOU RIGHTFULLY NEED.

CALL WHEN YOU FEEL YOU ARE ABLE TO.

I LOVE YOU GOD'S BLESSING TO YOU

YOUR JEWISH MOMMA

Dad said...

Deb, you are the most beautiful person I know, full of love & compassion, grounded in wisdom & strengthened by faith in the Lord. Only God knows why this happened. Time will heal the hurt & in time you will understand that for a brief moment your child needed your love & strength, so God gave you to him.
Rest in the Lord's strength & love..
I love you & pray for you always.

Dad